"We were living together but in many ways we were strangers. We skipped so much getting to this point. The more I thought about it the angrier I felt. Not at Evey. Never at her. At myself and, in turn, my so-called parents. If I hadn’t been such a screwed up shifter, maybe we would have had a shot. Was there still a chance? Could I fix this?
…I wasn’t ready to lose Evey. Not if we had a chance to get this right. I just hoped it wasn’t too late.”
I walked in our place hoping to find Darius, but it was empty. It was the full moon that finally sent me over the edge. It started with the same shiver I always get. I tried a cold shower - something I’d picked up from him the last few times (when he’d let me in to share one with him). I had just wanted to be able to finish the last few calls I needed to make today. If I could push it off and focus…But I couldn’t. So I went for a run, which always helped. My go-to.
I slipped my shoes off at the door and looked at the clock. I’d been out running for the last three hours. I wasn’t even tired. Not physically.
I needed another shower and hoped he’d be here to join me, but it was for the best. This gave me a chance to be what I wanted to be for him when he came home- soft, sweet-smelling, and his. We’d been so distant the last few days. I was afraid he wouldn’t have tried to join me anyway - this made it so I didn’t have to know.
I stripped down and climbed into the shower, letting the cool water help take away the sweat and now…tears. I missed my Darius. I needed him. I don’t know what changed, but something had. Today. Maybe it was just the moon. But I felt needy…needier. And that’s what I’d been pushing away. I didn’t want to cling to him. He had so much to work out and think through once he learned what he - what we - were. I didn’t feel fair to need him to heal my own wounds when he already had so many of his own. While drying off and putting on some of my favorite body butter - Korres Guava - I thought back to the first night we shifted together - when I held him all through the night. I needed that now. Desperately. But had I told him? I stood for at least a few minutes rubbing what was left of the body butter in my hands trying to remember the last time I let him take care of me…I was rubbing dry skin and still I couldn’t remember. I needed him.
I grabbed my short robe and stepped out, listening to see if he’d come home. Our home. My tears came again…
I felt I had to tell him I was sorry but I didn’t even know what for. I was afraid he’d be upset with me even if I apologized - how could I be weak with him? Would he let me? I knew something was breaking in me and I needed him. I tried to ignore the panic welling up inside of me as I listened to the emptiness of our place. I was done being busy. For once, I’d stopped. I was done pushing him away. Maybe it was the moon. I don’t know. This didn’t feel like the same change building up inside of me. But I was changing.
I hoped he didn’t think I was losing it because I knew the minute I saw him next - I was going to be breaking - and it was going to be in his arms.
It had been an interesting few days to say the least. If you’d told me a year ago that I’d be sitting here watching the woman I was in love with sleep, I would have laughed in your face. Hell, I’m still not even sure what love is to be honest. But if anyone can teach me, it’s this beautiful creature beside me, Lips puckered lightly. Hair tousled over her shoulder. Fingers curled around the sheet. George curled up against her other side. Damn, she’s beautiful.
I would forever be grateful to Clea for giving me a heads up on her birthday. It gave me a reason to focus…to think about just her for a change. Such a relief to not be thinking about what a freak I am…scratch that, for her sake…mess I have been. All those years I wasted hating myself hating this thing I go through. Maybe she’d be the one to teach me how to welcome it, embrace it…in time. At least I didn’t fight it as bad last full moon. Progress, yeah?